Fear of pain

Erik has a front tooth that needs to come out. I tried to pull it yesterday and I made it bleed a little bit, and now he doesn't trust me to try again. I told him the pain won't last long ,and that if he let me pull it, he could talk and eat normally again. Nope.

I fear pain. I have been experiencing a lot of pain in my neck and upper back lately. I don't talk about it much because its just stupid. I've been going to acupuncture for over a year, but I think I pissed it off  when we took out monster bush recently. I was helping lift and pull all the branches into the trailer for a couple of days and I overdid it.

Last month, the pain was crazy. One morning, I was just trying to sit up in bed and I could not find a way to get up without causing crazy pain. I was stuck. I finally tried to push myself up and the pain was so bad I passed out. Unfortunately, I did it in front of the boys and scared the crap out them.

I was in a bad car accident back in 1998. A big rig moved over into my lane. He had two empty flat beds. Looked kind of like this, but with another flatbed.
I was driving a Geo Metro. Just like this one. Hey, I was ahead of my time. Doesn't it resemble a Toyota Prius?

The truck driver moved over into my lane. For a minute I thought he would move back, but he didn't. I tried to move into the fast lane, but a car was coming, so I swerved and my car swerved back into the truck that was still moving over to me. I then was attached to the truck. When I finally moved down the flatbeds,  my car started spinning across all the lanes. I hit a smaller truck while spinning, that thankfully slowed me down and I ended parked, nose in, on the guard rail, close to the 16th street exit.

After stopping, I remember feeling my body for injuries. I remember being stunned. Two people ran up to my car and asked if they could pray with me. They did and then they left. The driver ran over to me and said, "Oh my God. Are you OK? I didn't even see you!" He changed his story for the police report. It was ruled both of our faults.  How did I not see a big rig?  

I was left with terrible whiplash. I had smacked my head really hard on the side window and had weird swelling on my elbow from smacking the stick-shift and on my left ankle from smacking the clutch.

The injuries were bad. The pain to my finances was even worse. Having to buy another car when your three payments away from paying off a car, really hurts. I worked full time after college and waited tables at night to make ends meet. The crazy fear of driving next to a truck was terrible and led me to several hypnotherapy sessions. I was a beast after the accident. I would grab the wheel of the person driving while in the passenger seat. I would make this horrible noise when a car changed lanes too close to me. I'm much better today, but boy, I still don't like trucks.

Today the neck stuff is making itself more known. I wish it would go back in hiding. I have sharp pains when I look up to rinse my hair in the shower. It takes my breath away and makes me make the scary surprised noise. I have numbness down my right arm as well. I dropped a completely full coffee cup the other morning. That sucked. Sometimes, after I dance a little too much, it feels like my neck can't support my head. It is a very scary feeling. I'm trying to remove that dance move from my repertoire.

We all have something. We all have pain and ailments and getting older only makes these issues complain louder.

We have to make the best of whatever were gifted with. Just look at our dear friend Chris who had major spine surgery in 2004. Look at this awesome video he made to show the quality of life he has now!  

As I walked into work this morning behind a little girl in prosthetics, I felt humbled. Everyday is an opportunity for a HUGE humbling at Shriners Hospitals for Children -- Northern California. These children and families inspire me daily.

You know who was there for me the day of my accident? Pedar. He came and picked me up and helped me feel safe. He said the same words to me the other morning when I passed out. He held me and told me, "Your OK. Your OK!" I am so grateful for his constant love and support. It has carried me through some hard times and continues to carry me. 

I don't want to fear pain. I am going to hug it out and learn how to dance with and around it.